Reuben Killian, Death of WIP

The death of this beloved performer was officially chalked up to suicide after “one too many Sourdough-whiskies”. The details regarding precisely how Reuben was able to expertly skin and flay himself, presumably before he strung his own body up on the wall, were absent from all reports. Bog media outlets were also quick to jump on the fact that diaper residue had been identified at the scene, yet this evidence had not been followed up on by authorities.

Unofficial investigations by several groups produced a much likelier alternative series of events for the night of Reuben’s death. This accumulated evidence and simulated play-by-play is commonly referred to as “The Killian Files”.

According to The Killian Files, the true events of the night of November 22nd are as follows: Reuben Killian is alone in his penthouse drinking a Sourdough-Whiskey with a splash of bee’s honey. At approximately 7:49 PM a masked, diaper-wearing assailant phases into the center of the room, likely in a Terminator-style pose. Reuben, mildly surprised, sees that the person is armed with a large crossbow and immediately hurls a grand piano at him, causing the attacker to soil their diaper and bleed on the carpet. The attacker is severely injured, but manages to use a lasso he brought along constructed of his own hair, skin, and saliva to pull himself to safety and begin arming his bow. Reuben senses that these may be his last moments, so he closes rapidly on the fumbling attacker and manages to remove his mask and rapidly paint a portrait of their face on a nearby canvas. Reuben tosses an ink vial at the attacker who, after successfully loading his weapon, slips and spreads numerous finger and penis prints on the floor. The assailant's weapon slides from their hands and strikes the ground, firing, missing Reuben, and striking a polaroid camera on a shelf which takes a series of images of the action. The attacker removes their wallet and uses an Oregon ID as a makeshift knife and, after a lengthy struggle, succeeds in slicing open Reuben’s throat, killing him. The killer disposes of the ID card in the room’s trashcan and chooses to take a nap. 14 hours elapse, the killer returns to butcher the star’s corpse for its meat, and eventually writes the now infamous words “MONKEY IS FOR MEAT” on the wall. The attacker walks home with their sum of ape meat after leaving the hotel through the front door.

How this person has not been caught despite the seemingly vast quantity of physical evidence is unknown, but many people theorize that an elaborate cover up took place.