Vanlouen Calendar

A timekeeping system devised by Bruce Van Louen and marketed alongside his meal plan as a way to improve a person’s lifestyle. The Van Louen calendar is subscription based, and updated documentation arrives periodically with new instructions to continue determining the time and date. The calendar is frequently updated, requiring a new subscription plan in order to stay current.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years are all replaced with their equivalent “Van Louen” versions; however, mathematical analysis has indicated that the length of these periods is likely a randomly generated number printed on each edition of the calendar.

The Van Louen Calendar frequently arrives stained with blood or semen, if it arrives at all, and occasionally will be printed in Chinese. Some subscribers have claimed that their Calendar has arrived alongside a parcel of narcotics, and Bruce Van Louen himself will arrive shortly to demand both the parcel and a fee for protection from this randomly selected victim.

Due to an aggressive marketing campaign the Van Louen Calendar is the primary timekeeping method within The Bog.